I’ve always thought of how cool it would be to actually be a spy. Like 007… but, you know, a lady version.
I reckon I’d go ok.
Be a classy, suave, boss-spy with kick-ass fighting skills; sophisticated and totally able to take down 15 enemies while being shot at and show off those ninja, matrix bullet dodging skills. Walk out, unscathed, still dressed impeccably, with the building I was just in blowing up in a timely manner behind me (when do they have the time to plant the bombs? Do these buildings just self-destruct from too much awesome?) while the wind blows my hair back and I step casually into my black Maserati and drive off into the sunset.
… Yeah I know it’s not actually like that, but shit if 007 doesn’t make it look so damn good.
However, there’s one thing I just don’t think I could pull off and that’s the whole double agent thing. Living two lives. I’d fail so hard.
Firstly, that’s just waaaaayyyy too much commitment for me. I mean shit, ONE life is hard enough to live with let alone having to live two!
Secondly, I’d just crack the shits at not being able to throw myself into it, all or nothing style. You’d always have to keep a part of you in-line. Stay true to your other life as well.
Nope.
FRUSTRATING!
Ok… so by now you’re probably wondering either:
a) What is she on and can I join? or
b) I’m lost. Help. Send in back-up. There were no survivors.
Bear with me kids, I’m getting there.
It’s officially 14 days until I leave. And up until about three days ago I’d had a few days straight of just feeling really shitty. That’s not like me. I’m usually pretty happy. I have my down days and moments like everyone, but I always bounce back after a good sleep, a chocolate/Nutella session, a cookie or a hug….who am I kidding all of the above works awesome together too!
But these past few days I just kept waking up feeling pissed off/frustrated/sad/whatever. I couldn’t put my finger on it, whatever it was.
Then I was lying in bed talking it out and I realised it’s coming from feeling like I’m living this limbo-like double life at the moment.
Physically I am in Aus. I have stuff to do, people to see, family to spend time with, friends to talk to, a dog to cuddle, work to finish and my deadline date is drawing closer, faster and faster.
But mentally I am in London. I have plans already. I have very important-to-me people counting the days down with me, getting excited, talking and laughing about all the shit we are going to do. There’s expectation and suspense and this whole unknown factor which is exciting and terrifying all at once.
But I’m still here in Aus and as much as I want to be there I can’t. And that’s really, really, really, reeaaalllyyy frustrating.
But as soon as I realised why I was feeling the way I was, I realised how bloody stupid I was being. I have two weeks left to spend with my friends and family. And this will be two weeks that, once I live it, I will never get it back.
As one of my lovely friends said to me “You’ve got to appreciate the here and now. You’ll never get this moment back.”
So, as much as I want to be in London right now, and starting that new beginning, I have to end this chapter first. And I have to do it properly with me being completely in this “life” before stepping into my London one.
It’ll be tough. I’m a chronic future dreamer – I know that. But I’ve only got two weeks so I best make the most of it.
So I guess, I’ll never be a double agent… Oh well –
-Lx
Lozz in London 